The chapter of desire, the clouds of confusion

Rajat Upadhyay
4 min readMay 13, 2021

I recently completed reading the book The Alchemist. It was just too difficult for me to not read it, be it self-help Instagram pages, online success blogs, or YouTubers, so many people suggested reading this book. The story basically revolves around a shepherd boy who goes out in search of his destiny, his treasures, puts everything, his life, his money, his love at stake, and finally emerges victorious on his conquest.

Many a time we want something that we feel like we can’t have, don’t deserve, or will never get. This may make us think that the desire we have in our mind is wrong in the first place, well, maybe that’s why we don’t have it. It might spin you off into over-thinking, or anxiety. I have been having great amounts of anxiety for the last 2 years or so. I have seen people who have anxiety even when they are not doing anything at all, the people I followed had anxiety, girls I liked had anxiety, boys I played with had anxiety. So, No. Anxiety is not wrong. Something that so many people go through in their lives can most certainly not be a wrong thing. Coming back to the point of desire. It’s complicated, and so thus the title, “clouds of confusion”.

It is well known that desire is the root cause of misery. When we desire something, we instruct our minds that we want something that we don’t have already. Precisely saying, it makes us feel incomplete. Desire thus fulfilled brings joy, if not, invites misery. The worst part is, we don’t get to choose what we desire. It just happens. If I want something, I just want it. There is no reasoning in it as to why I want it, I just want it! Desire although fulfilled never leads to long-living happiness, because one fulfilled desire gives birth to more desires and thus so on. One might say that one should not desire anything in order to have long-lasting happiness and peace. But ask yourself something, what sort of life is that, in which there is no desire? Would you want to be such kind of a person? I had rather have the misery than being a desireless man roaming the streets.

So, the question that arises is how do we achieve our desires? It can be getting rich, it can be being the smartest person in the room, it can be wanting someone, it can be being famous, it can be anything at all. Is there a definitive way to ensure that I can always achieve my desires, and if not, then how can I still stay happy?

A few years ago, when I was in one of the SSB Airforce camps on a 5-day drill in Dehradun, I met a guy. Yup, I met a guy. He was around 5 feet 5 inches, which by the way is not too tall, a simple-looking guy with wide eyes and a gumby body. On the fifth day, our batch found out that this guy has been selected for Army, Airforce, and Navy, all three, and had the option to choose for himself as to what we want to pursue. How did this guy manage to pull that off? This 5'5'’ guy and cleared all the interviews? On the third day of the drill, we were all(the group) sitting and chatting in the main park of the campus at around 11:30 pm. I don’t remember how it begin, but this gumby guy said this looking and staring at the grass below-

The guy: “I really want to be in the force. It’s my dream”

Guy2: “Yup. Me too.”

Guy3(casually): “Ya, I mean, all of us want to.”

The guy(intensified): “There’s a difference between wanting something and dying for something….”

I will probably never forget that. Never. The guy’s determination for joining the force was reflected in that one sentence. “I am dying to be in the force.”. The same guy confessed on the 2nd day that he really liked a girl who was taller than her, but he wants only her, and no one else. Same determination, same willpower, although the topic was of women.

He got selected in the force that I know, I hope he gets that punjabi girl he so much adored. Good people like him should never be disappointed by circumstances out of their control, they don’t deserve that.

Something I learned on that day was, the most successful people have stone strong will and determination for their goal, even when they know that they might not be able to achieve it. And yes, even the most successful men have dark sides in their life.

I wish I had that undying will for something. I once liked a punjabi girl, but she had 3 elder brothers, :( , I don’t wanna end up handicapped. Jokes apart. Maybe I do. I do have that will and determination and maybe that’s the reason for the anxiety I have sometimes. Maybe you too have an undying obsession for something. But one thing is for sure, it's a good thing, not everyone has it. One of the greatest achievements in history was made by people who had great self-destroying obsessions.

There is nothing fancier than achieving a dream, no matter how hard it might be. If you are willing to walk on coals to have desires, be my guest. I am not yet sure if I am. I am still confused, pursue the dreams or be content with what I have. I am sure you are confused too.

Maybe there is a middle way?

I wish you well, I wish you love.

Rajat Upadhyay

I don’t need to die to see the heaven, I just need to look into her eyes.